Angi

Refreshed..

2006-01-15T04:42:40Z

i cut off my hair today... It was down to my mid back and now it's just above my shoulders. Not the best of looks for me (I miss it already).. but its given me a great feeling... emotionally and physically... It was mainly due to my cultural background of why i did it... A person's hair is their thoughts, each strand and inch of it, something new... and well i've let it grow out the past few years, but today i felt it was finally time to "let go"... of it all... I asked the lady to keep a lock for me... she looked at me like i was crazy, (thank goodness i didn't ask for her to save it all for me... )... which would have been totally traditional. But anyhow... I took the lock of hair and later at home, I burnt it (This is a way of praying... as it takes your thoughts and carries them up to "god" or the creator in the smoke).... I balled my eyes out... hehe... and even though i miss it... I love the fact that I did it... Either way whether or not it was a spiritual thing, or just the basic pyschology of it all... i feel refreshed, and i'm happy with myself...

on that note...
here's my most recent picture of my lil baby girl
Katherinne
:)

take care
My Babe

peechykean @ 2005-09-22T08:16:00

2005-09-22T13:12:45Z

I really don't like anything right now.
Even being happy,.... when i am, i feel like i'm faking it....

maybe it was all the drugs i've done in the past, maybe experiences i've gone through, maybe it's just me...
either way i hate it....

i'm sooo confused right now about everything....

i wish i had someone to validate everything.... so i know what i'm feeling , thinking and doing is right...
then again,...
i'm tired of trying to impress or please ppl ,
i've become such an angry person inside... and now on the outside too...
but all i can do is sit here and then get angry at the fact that all i am doing is sitting here, thinking of could haves should haves....

i wish i was numb, be alot better than depressed and down and angry.....

Pictures that'll hopefully work this time...

2005-08-27T09:36:13Z

well here's the pictures... these were of her just 2 wks old... she was sooo attentive... if you click on any i suggest one of just her and her big eyes..!! they're soooo beautiful...

:)

3 of us

my beautiful baby girl

3 of us again

arrienne again

and another just for kicks...
lol

:P last one.. :P

if i never start... i'll never finish....

2005-08-25T04:21:53Z

Well...

my life seems to love having such crazy life- changing events occur... and in like 1/2 the time most ppl would get to deal with them...

that being said...

as of june 24th.. i have stuck my foot in my mouth about the whole... "i'm on depo... i'm not pregnant" phrase...
yes on friday june 24th i felt "something move"... i called planned parenthood... they set me up w/ a test that day... and gave me the number to call for an ultrasound... which i also had THAT day... and i found out that i was 32.7 weeks along... meaning in the next approximately 8 weeks... i would be having a baby....

now there was telling josh... which i did that night... early saturday morning... monday... called the adoption worker... set up a meeting later that week...

well not to hold up with every detail...

june 24th found out that i was pregnant...

july 27th had a lil baby girl... 6lbs 4 oz, 49 cm.. ( super long)... and totally healthy....

she's with a wonderful family ....

um... yeah... that's all i really feel like posting now...
oh and pictures...
this is her just at 2 weeks old...

sooo big...!

oh her name...

arrienne marie starr

or now...
katherine arrienne margaret -----
arrienne @ 2 wks

:)

peechykean @ 2005-05-24T20:56:00

2005-05-25T01:51:09Z

Well an update is long overdue...

Healthwise: Overall, I'm eating well and trying to stay active and positive. Which is usually just normal for people... but it's been quite tough... with getting a depo provera shot... that bloated me to the point that almost everytime i go out i'm asked when my due date is (pregnancy)... My paranoia also got the best of me and I went to my family doctor to give me a test just to make sure i wasn't that 1 out of a 100 or 1000 whatever women that still get pregnant... thankfully i'm not... but still it's hard to deal with the fact that yes... i just have a big belly right now... and it's funny cuz my face, my legs and arms aren't at all bigger... heehhe... someday i'll walk around and just make up some date and have ppl rub my tummy.. :P

oh and along w/ the whole non- pregnant... I had twins... well but not really here's where the "non" part comes in... cuz the twins are really a set of Numark TTX-1's!!!!!! got a sort of "ish" mixer... i'd have to get up and go look at what the numbers are on it... but arek said it's "not that bad"... so i'll go with " what he said"...
originally found a pair on e-bay ... but they were from the states and so after shipping and customs/brokerage fees... they would have only been a fraction cheaper and so decided to get long and mcquade to order them in for me..... spinning and mixing wise.... it's been hits and misses throughout... but not both during a set... either i spin really well for an hour... or i attempt to even get a record to play for an hour... hehehe... either way TURNTABLES !!!#%!~#$!^!
Honestly though,... it's a half fake enthusiasm... cuz really there's so many other things i could have put that much money into wether it be savings, clothes, house stuff for when i'm on my own... i'unno, something a little more useful y'know... at the same time... i spent how much on not so cool legal things that did how much damage to me? i might as well spend it foolishly on something that i can at least enjoy...

My grandma is finally back at home... ( 7 bypass surgery)... she stayed with my aunt when she first got out of the hospital... but now she's back home with grandpa, josh and i... Its a lot of work to take care of them... exhausting to the max, still keeps me doing something productive... and i don't know... they've taken care of me for how long?... not only takin care of but spoiled endlessly... heheh... still, it's alot of work... thankfully i don't have school now... although i have been looking for jobs.... I had an interview at Sasktel today... i think it went well... it's only part time... but i think it'd be perfect cuz the pay is still $16 / hr or something? ... so it makes up for the hours at a full time job that pays minimum and then i'm still able to help out my grandma...

i'm going to be staying here again this year... (regina)... for school... I have a whole lifetime ahead of me for school, degrees, and careers, my time is limited with members of my family... and i can still go for a b.sc. and that doesn't sound like that bad of a thing?... so bonus ... i'll have a degree under my belt and so i'll have a fall back if medicine doesn't work out... or if i don't make it into it at all right? AND be here for my family cuz honestly... i'm only 21... and i'll still be going to school so what's and extra 1-2 years here?...

so yeah alot of the usual same old same old going on...
still don't have much friends that i go out with...
been out a few times though... !!!
at least once a week or two i'll go out past midnight and hang out with ppl around my age or at least ppl that i go out and have fun with, even if it's for an hour of coffee... hehehe... ahhhh responsibilities...

honestly i don't agree with ppl when they say a person's twenties are their best years... cuz to me... i think it's gonna be like 30's... cuz twenties... i mean... maybe most will have their careers on a roll by their 24/25th year of life... but even then still... it seems to be such a building time... not rich enough to have much ( except to those exceptional few and i commend you)... but yeah... really mines' looking like it's fully of school, and lots of hard work, but really no results until my 30s... maybe i'm a procrastinator... or a slacker... but i don't think so... i just think i'm broke, i'm educated but not enough to get a good job that pays well so i just "get by" during the summer and then back to school for more education...

anyhow... blah blah blah TURNTABLES!!! woot woot!!! heheh... yay...

that is all

The Idealist: Teacher

2005-05-01T03:43:26Z

ENFJ- The Teacher
You scored 72% I to E, 47% N to S, 28% F to T, and 15% J to P!

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality type with 3% of the population.
You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate. Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt. Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFJ

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 80% on I to E

You scored higher than 59% on N to S

You scored higher than 20% on F to T

You scored higher than 4% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

In remembrance...

2005-04-27T03:01:41Z

I've put thinking about this off all day. I was going to go the gravesite with my mom but couldn't. I thought I'd relive the initial mourning and become an emotional wreck. I wasn't totally confident I'd be able to focus on the great times with her, but I have to take that chance. So here's to my lil sister.....

Bethany Ann (Miskwimi) Starr

One year without her was a lifetime too long
Sixteen seemed a lifetime too short
The unbearable pain has now passed with the year
Thanks to everyone's prayers and support
We love her and miss her
'Though she's still in our hearts
Bethany, was a talented girl from sports to fine arts
She painted our lives with her colour and style
She touched everyone with her love and warm smile
Here's to laugther, heartfelt memories and tears.
Forever loved

That's the poem I wrote for Bethany. My family, Josh, and I put it in the paper today.
Wowzers....
She was such an amazing girl. Well teenager/woman... It's funny to think that my lil sister would have been driving and dating and doing all those crazy teenager things today.... Although I s'pose that was the cause to her death too so um... :S...
okay new train of thought...
Honestly, she was totally amazing when she wasn't trying to hide that glow inside...

hehehe...
Josh thinks i'm totally insane when i tell him about all the lil silly things bethany, sydney(my baby sister), and I would do together when we were younger and all the way through...
Not denying the fact that we were as mean as could be to eachother too (3 girls that were all 4 years apart... can be nasty heheh... )
I adored her so much... both of my sisters... I tell sydney that and told bethany that all of the time. So there's not guilt there but I still feel bad that neither of them seem to see it in themselves. ahhh well....

I'll cherish my time I had with Bethany and the memories of her forever. At least my father's not lonely anymore either....

yeah but i don't know...

Sorry for those this may have been uncomfortable for... I was going to lock it... cuz it is more of a personal thing
But it's just too good of a thing... I wanted to share how great of a gal Bethany was.... and my incoherent thoughts of her.

peechykean @ 2005-04-18T06:42:00

2005-04-17T11:39:18Z

ryan...psykil, i'm not sure if you've seen this one... it's not the latest strongbad e-mail... but its definitely for you... so i figured i'll presume you haven't......

oh and for the rest of you too... check it....

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail127.html

Lower... no... still lower...

2005-03-26T07:23:19Z

Well lets start with the good...
Josh dragged my butt out last night to gabbo's and well no more than 10 minutes before I walked into the club... i was crying, bitchy, and not well... but as soon as I walked in I had a smile on my face and forgot about everything for an hour or two...
It carried over into today too.... I think that going out and seeing familiar faces reminded me of the great times i've had and am able to have...

now for the icky stuff...

my grandma needs a triple bypass surgery... :S... i'm so worried about her... i mean i like the odds... but i just can't bare to think of her in such pain and so weak afterwards... and i mean my grandpa... he's been soo down the last couple days... I'm taking care of him right now... and i'm trying my best... I just feel bad because I'd like to visit w/ him more but... i have finals to study for as well.... and then i'm not the greatest of cooks.... he says he's enjoyed what i've made and I'm trying really hard... but i just don't know... i hope to never be a diabetic.... wowzers... it's sooo constricting and rigid... I slept in till 10:30 this morning too and so he didn't eat breakfast till then :S.... but on the flip he's not helpless.
my grandma goes for her surgery next week sometime.. then will be in the hospital approx. another 10 days...

right around the time i write finals....
I think she may try to get home care for the first little bit.... but they're really edgey on who qualifies to recieve home care aides... and usually if there is an able bodied person living in the home... no deals... but i'm not going to stress about that now... or at all... hehe... it'll work out somehow... my finals aren't that long... and i only took 4 classes... right!?!?!

next thing... superficial as it is... it still sucks...

I'm broke and in $500 debt....
My little sister sydney ran away a lil while ago... and well stole my bankcard and well now i'm in an overdraught that i don't have of $275 i was supposed to have that paid on thursday... now my grandma was going to give me the money to cover it and then work something out w/ sydney of how she was going to pay her back.... but well she's in the hospital... and my grandpa doesn't remember his pin number... was out of chequeblanks, and was not well enough to go to the bank b4 thurs to get me that money... so yeah...

and the rest is owed to my friend... who now i won't have paid until next week... but they were also counting on having that money for this easter weekend too....
i could live with it.. but i just hate being such an inconvience to others... y'know? plus i'm used to being broke.. heh... what's another weekend?!?? hehe

so yeah i'm really stressed to the max... cuz I need to study... and well i have no idea how working moms are working and moms at once... cuz man oh man... its hard stuff... cooking 3 meals a day, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping... then emotional stress to add on as another bonus... fucking wow... i'm taking my mom for steak on mother's day... i'd take her to the moon if i could afford it... heh

on the plus side though, josh is super helpful... he helps me cook the meals and do the grocery shopping and trash and stuff and keeps me as happy as I can be... and my aunt has taken my grandpa to the hospital to visit and out for supper a few times... so that's awesome.. and my mom is staying here tomorrow night so josh and i can go to his cousin's wedding and then out to rob's party... and rob who is letting me attend the party to enjoy myself... so yeah... it's looking good for now... but next week.... i'm asking you folks to be my escape and yeah... if you have some spare time , call me up and take me out for an hour... i promise i'll be in a good mood... heh

anyways... i'm going to get to sleep i have a big day tomorrow.... :)

Its hard to look forward to springtime, when the weather has been so cold. Just know it's coming...

2005-03-24T06:18:40Z

I really want to write a totally happy entry... really I do.... and things are going well with myself... my family and i are getting along... but now my grandma is in the hospital... she had chest pain the other day ... and so i drove her to the doctor, and then she was sent by ambulance to the hospital... but yeah... she was okay... the doctors told her that she's had a heart attack some time in the last 2 weeks... so she's having an angiogram tomorrow so we will see... so right now... admist the studying i should be doing for finals... i'm taking care of my grandpa... cooking, well microwaving stuff for us to eat and just plain taking care of him...

I am happy though... I'm just always going to have my insecurities... I always need justification for things... like i need to hear from people what they think... yet it really wouldnt matter... cuz i love who i am... i love my personality... it's me... it's genuine... heh...

so yeah... um... i don't know... that's a lil bit of all the same old same old...

my goal for this upcoming summer and spring... save up some money and go on a vacation for a week... prolly in canada though... heeh... can't set my sights that far.....

oh and play more fooseball... and go out dancing in skanky clothes more often.... well maybe not teh skanky clothes.... but yeah dancing and fooseball... my skills have been deteriorating... but i'm still the best chick on this side of the tracks.... hehehe... and hey... the guyz dig it
hehehe

peechykean @ 2005-03-22T18:49:00

2005-03-23T00:47:59Z

You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion.

</td>

Paganism

67%

Christianity

67%

Buddhism

63%

Islam

58%

Judaism

38%

Hinduism

13%

Satanism

agnosticism

atheism

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

well i think that's just awesome and right on the ball.... not w/ wiccan or that... but at the end... the native american religion... I've been totally into learning more about it.... it matches my views of the world and aspect of living... not to mention it IS my culture... i'vce never believed in satan or evil nor does the "indian way" as my father called it and others in my family call it... but it's just a quiz... heheh... just t hought i'd add my lil six pence to it... :D

peechykean @ 2005-03-20T14:27:00

2005-03-20T20:24:07Z

[14:25] Adam_West *hugz* ( i modified and took out those bracket things cuz they fucked it up... )

that's steve - domain and whatever aliases i swear it is!
yay!!!

it's in the books for good!!!

peechykean @ 2005-03-18T17:37:00

2005-03-18T23:31:56Z

So yeah...

hey everybody what's up?!?!!?

i want spring to come....
like MAD!

so an update...
9.9 out of 10 of you are prolly gonna bitch at me....
but bring it...
I'm chubby, i'm almost 8 months clean... well mostly off the BAD bad stuff.... i did 2 es this last lil bit... but i wanted the treat hehehe um.... , josh and I have never been better...

cept i'm bothered by a few of my friends' comments... " angi, you'd better be careful where you take him out too... cuz eventually he's going to get whats coming to him... it's inevitable"...

my reply : " what am i just supposed to be a hermit forever"

"well no, not you... "

"well, he IS my boyfriend... i LOVE him and his company... and really don't like my time out as much w/out him"
"*shrug*"

!#$%!%$!^
Thanks FRIEND that's been in my group of GOOD FRIENDS since HIGHSCHOOL
@!$@$@^

so yeah i'm totally bothered by all that... but i have to get out again... with josh... i love it when we're out together... cuz we still mingle and what not... but even then... when i'm by his side... it's just us... it's amazing....

overall... i regret telling anyone of our fight... cuz now noone will ever really give him the chance he deserves... at the same time... it'll be a safeguard so that if it ever happened again... i know i can tell someone... and then i'll know it's a cycle not just a come down off of drugs sort of thing...

um...

my lil sister is a bad ass... she turned 13 on february 12th, and well she's ran away... stole money... it's really bad... it doesn't help that she's looks pretty much as old... some say older than me... and she's almost taller...
here's a few lil small snapshots:

crazy...

but yeah....

yay for spring... i love you spring... hurry up... and get here

I really am a big baby...

2005-01-18T03:38:41Z

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.
On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.
You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.
Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.

Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.
You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.
You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.
Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Never ending thoughts...

2005-01-17T07:56:22Z

It's quite funny....
I sat here trying to think of how to put my thoughts into words... I was having quite a bit of trouble... I don't know how I can be "honest" with my thoughts and not feel "bad", because of the honestness... Then there's the hope that in all this honesty, there's really just my self-centered biasts in them... None of this really makes sense, it's one of those... to me it does... heh....

getting to it...

My friend Lisa e-mailed me the other day, she finally told me how great school was going for her and her boyfriend in their final year... It was great to hear... It only took 3 years for her to feel comfortable telling me...

Lisa and I have known eachother since we were 4 years old... we went to the same elementary school (and hated eachother)... and to the same highschool (and loved eachother)... The last time I saw her was almost 2 years ago... It was right after my second year of university, when I made my decision to take a year off and "get out of debt" which was only a half lie/truth. The whole truth and Lisa knew it... was because I didn't want to leave my family. My grandparents health was not at its greatest... now I realize, grandparents health never is... but now presently, my worries for them are beyond fathomable. Ever since that summer... she's always felt sorry for me, she'd never admit to it when I'd confront her about it... but it always came out in her e-mails "ang, you've given up so much already" or " been through so much"... I hate it because it always sticks with me...

Honestly, I need 3 more classes for medicine ( plus my mcat)... all of which will take 1 semester... but I don't want to take them because then I'll be that much closer to my goal... but that much closer to being further away from my family who... needs me...

I've looked up training courses and dates for my mcat that my doctor advised me to take and offered to pay for... theres a few this summer and spring that I can go to and take to prepare for writing the mcat... but I'm hesitant... but if I am going to write the MCAT next spring, I really should start preparing for it...

I'm just torn between my goals and my family... and yes of course I know that they want me to become a doctor just as much as I do... but it just seems so heartless to think of myself, my when my grandpa is struggling to merely stay alive... I mean his heart right now is only working at 35%, he needs to get a triple bipass done, but his chances of making it through that are an even lower percentage... I live with them right now... and well to my aunt, I'm just a bum who lives off of them... but I'm pretty sure to them I'm a big help... I do housework... from time to time... when it needs to be done... I do their laundry pretty much daily... Josh and I shovel their driveway... but I love doing it... at the same time... I want to get my goals back on the go... I feel so inadequate, and stupid not...

It just feels like I've held myself back for sooo long now.. but it's only been a year and a half.. going on 2 ( after this semester)... but fuck... I don't like what I think, but I don't know any other way of how to change it, even though its wrong... And this is what I was scared of most... I don't want to resent my family, for things beyond their control... I have no right too either, I choose to stay here... I choose to sign up for classes way below my level... Am I just using my family as an excuse for my fear of failure?...

Like fuck... I'm taking 100 level classes for crying out loud!!! I told the department heads that I needed to ease myself back into school because of my time off and events during it...! It was all somewhat true... but yeah... I just didn't want to finish getting the classes I needed yet...

But yeah... I guess I just really don't know what to do...
Right now, I'm guessing I'm going to be pursuing a BSc here and then once i get that, if my brain isn't malfunctioning by then... going on to write my mcat... and then hopefully getting that phd and then specialize and get into cardiac surgery, again if my brain and by then my body isn't malfunctioning, by then... maybe, then just MAYBE i'm guessing by the time i'm a grandparent myself i MIGHT get to operate on somebody ( if they'll let me)...

I just honestly think that its either choose to stay here and take care of my grandparents, or stay here ( but move out).. finish up whatever school i can do here and then try to get into UBC again... but I can't do both, I wouldn't be able to get the grades I need and take care of their needs...

I guess one thing is for certain though...
I need a magic 8 ball...
or a clone... but a high tech one, that i could log into from university and get the daily updates from... heh... that would be wickedly cool....

Which one of yous owes me christmas presents still?... well
I want a clone...

cheers,
angi

p.s.

Above is an extremely loopy, probably non-coherent to the untrained eye... hard -reading entry.... I warn you now not to read it... just read the last 2 and if you really care, 3 paragraphs and you should be well on your way!! THANKS!

p.p.s.

Get me a clone.

A killer winter day...

2005-01-14T20:47:00Z

well...
To start it off this morning...
it was great.... my grandparents gave me a really nice cheque... well the amount of money it was for was really nice... the cheque itself was kinda plain...
I tried giving it back to them... (pretty much knowing that they wouldn't)... but still I had to try... seeing how i live with them for free...
Then I figured I'd put in a load of clothes for them before i went to school... so I'm carrying a laundry basket and a cup of coffee and start to go downstairs... but my little sister had her shoes on the first step and down tumbling i went... with a basket on top of me and coffee flying everywhere... I swear i've never seen my grandpa move so fast or really at all like this morning... he really DOES love me!! hahhah

so after icing it a bit... i hobble my way to my car and drove to the university to get my parking pass... and i needed id... i didn't have any on me... so i had to drive back home ... but on the way there... i figured i'd go and get gas... ended up in the ditch... and waited 1.5 hours for caa to come and save me... and well the way my car was tilted put all the pressure on my bum cheek that's all bruised...

so i'm sitting at home now... getting up the energy to take my id to the university to go get my parking pass... and that has been my day!

grumblemutterhiss

2005-01-13T12:27:28Z

Well... I didn't get any sleep at all last night...

I was extremely restless... :S
On the flip, I got pretty much all my readings for the next month of classes read... and made notes along the way...
Now if I could just log on to web ct !#$!@#$..... hahaha... i hope I can get a new password today...
Its quite funny... I can memorize amino acids, enzymes, equations... and all that jazzy stuff... but one password (well most likely one of 10)... no freaking way.... yeh... really funny...

hahaha....
Today's going to be....interesting...

School and ish....

2005-01-11T00:16:18Z

Well school is underway... Some of my classes TOTALLY AWESOME... others... I'm thinking... Why am I taking this... I should have just kept on keeping on... (refresher courses n such)... I'm taking chem 100... which will ultimately be my most challenging and least challenging class this semester.... challenging to show up for an hour of "oh my goodness... I really didn't forget as much as I thought" to least challenging because well I've taken 2 chem courses above it already and had amazing marks... But the bonus of it Jarod's in my class!!! I think we were both totally suprised to see eachother in it... but i'm thrilled to have someone i know and hold on such high regards in my class. He's super intelligent or he at least fakes it well... He doesn't know i think that ( but he may now) heh... but yeah... i think he's most definitely a person that could be a positive influence on me... hahaha... I've had such lame attempt at trying to be his friend ( this probably being the #1 on the list)... hehe... but whatever... I'm selfish in my endeavors... but at this point of time... I think I need to be... and well it's not totally outright just for me... heh....

next, I am in LOVE once again w/ Dr. Conway... he's so... dreamy... hahaha... well i'm in love with his intellect and views... probably cuz they're pretty much mine but educated... hahaha... yeah... I wonder if he has a son??? hahahhaha

cheers all

peechykean @ 2005-01-02T16:05:00

2005-01-02T22:01:57Z

New Year's was.... 'okay'....

I had a better time than I had expected... and that's suprising as I didn't do much...

I took out Josh... or rather,... he took me out in my car, cuz I still haven't renewed my license... but I will! on Monday!... it was awkward... just because admist my tipsiness ( from 1 drink!! ) I had to keep on reminding myself how bad he treated me... how we awful treated eachother... It was awesome though... my face was totally healed as soon as I had seen arek... I ran up and jumped on him and then showed him my once again non bruised, wierd lined(???), weird bumpy face... I'm thrilled its healed fully... it was really ugly looking i was scared it wouldn't go away not the black eye so much as these wierd lines along my jawline.. it was so ugly and fucked up looking I only went out once though... that night (heh) with arek and brent... just to get out... and get myself feeling as normal at the time... anyways back to new years..

It was somewhat a deja vu... for a few instances... but I'd rather not get into that... it's complicated and I'm not sure if a few of them actually occurred or not...???
but yeah...

Josh expected to stay the night... I refused and said he could take my car till the next day... GO ME!... He was somewhat upset but I talked with him... and made him understand or at least not leave angry

It was a good new years... I wish I could've spent it with murray but he ended up working too late :S... ahwell ... I swear me and that man... no matter what we'll always be there but not always "there"... hehe

I can't wait for school it's gonna rock!
I think now my lack of going out and lack of friends to chill with all the time is working out for the better too! That way I won't let as many people down when I'm a hermit this upcoming semester....

peechykean @ 2004-12-31T15:50:00

2004-12-31T21:47:41Z

Well yesturday I felt like it was all slowly falling apart again... but I just left the feeling aside... and well today... I got a letter in the mail saying that I could get the student loan I needed to go back to school!!!!

Josh and Murray, and all of my older friends always say I'm a nerd when it comes to school... whether i'm talking about it or in it... I don't know... hehehe... I like being that way! seriously I love school beyond!! sciences WOW me beyond belief ... english not so much ( does it show?) heheheh.....

but yeah... I was denied funding from my reserve/band council... and I was really counting on that . Then I applied for a student loan but I wasn't sure if I could get it because of all my RESPs and money that my father had put away for me... but I was approved!!!!!! BA DA BING!!!

I got all my notes and books reorganized so that I can read through the last classes I took this next week and make some cole's refresher notes :D

Tonight, I will probably go to robs and chill there with some friends... I feel really distant to people right now... but my best friend murray from highschool called me today to see what i was doing... and that along with the news about my student loan... needless to say, made my year....

I don't even want to bother reflecting on this last year quite yet though... but to sum it up... I'm still here and able to be this happy... that has GOT to say something good in my favor....

Happy new year's!!! (if you're feeling glum just touch your monitor , and get some of my cheer!!! right... here!!!!!!!!!!!) :) :) :) :) :) :) XOXOXOXOX :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D... who cares about fingerprints right now... IT'S A NEW YEAR!

peechykean @ 2004-12-26T10:22:00

2004-12-26T16:18:44Z

I hope everyone had a good time with their friends and family this holiday, whether or not christmas is a holiday you celebrate, i hope you enjoyed your time.

I wish the best for you all in this coming new year... and one thing i've learned from experience is that if the new year's resolutions and all that jazz seem to fail... there's always tomorrow...

Happy Holidays! Stay warm! and wear your toques and scarves!!!

Angela

peechykean @ 2004-12-18T06:02:00

2004-12-18T12:02:14Z

This was us: cute ain't it? *barf*

us n brent :) (he's pretty amazing at being a good friend or pretending.. heh!)

I know i know... I'm sick of talking about it too... but really this was just an excuse to show how hot i am.. heh.. j/k... that was a few months ago... you can add on about well 10 pounds... scary shit... not the 10 pounds.. the fact that i was down to 104 +/- 5 pounds round then... eeeeeeek..... so yeah i needed the 10... i actually think i'm about 120 now!!! so perhaps 15 i'unno.... i'm not frail ... or drug induced... although i wanted to be ALOT today....

hehehe

peas... and that'll be that last of " josh and angi and us"... unless new crazy scary stuff happens.,.. which i will definitely try not letting happen cuz i'm trying to keep out of contact.... so we'll see...

hehe... i totally wanna slut it up this weekend... it's awful.. but well it's just a thought... i wouldn't actually go through with it... hehe... that'd be the last thing i need... something to make me feel more vulnerable, cheaper, used... hehe... whooo heeeee

peechykean @ 2004-12-16T22:47:00

2004-12-17T04:57:29Z

Thankyou so much everyone... I think... heh... no really thankyou... None of you have said any of what I wanted to hear..."ie. he doesn't suck, he should still be my boyfriend, etch" but I'm starting to take heed to it... I just need to get out I think and back into my circle of friends...

Its just super hard... cuz Josh and I were through a lot together and individually through our relationship... I mean 2 month after my lil sister died, I started smoking crystal meth again, so did josh... Then our cars kept breaking down... 1 at a time... heh... it seemed whenever his was working my wasn't... it was messed... we slowly pushed eachother to quit our bad habits... and we did... together... I don't want to try rationalizing our fight ... but I mean we were both wanting to get high that day... but NO... that doesn't make it right... heh... NOT even close to right...

on the plus side... check it out... I'm single, I've worked through my greiving issues, I've kicked my addiction to the curb, my abusive boyfriend... so yeah... sum it up... I'm healthy, feeling good, looking "okay" but dayum sexy in a ... weekish... still have a couple issues with my own angermanagement and post abusive relationship issues to work on... but hey... I'll strut my stuff anyways, do my own thing cuz i'm not tied down by the worry of my actions and others expectations...

OH YAH

*heh... just watch i'll get arrested or something tonight... be falsely charged of some bogus thing to send me off to federal prison , and become big bertha's bitch... hehehe... j/k... but it was a fun thought!!!*

Thanks... I'm gonna give it my all...

peechykean @ 2004-12-16T03:04:00

2004-12-16T09:04:16Z

!$#^!#$%!#$!@#$^#!@~!

So if he takes improvement courses and ish... ( anger management)... and whatever....

!!#%#!@

I don't know... well I don't want to know... cuz I know I shouldn't miss him, I shouldn't be considering perhaps taking these improvement courses with him....and ultimately working on getting back together.... but then WHY AM I???????

I mean... I am sooo lost right now.... I'm too scared to call my best friend and tell him... cuz i'm scared of what he might try doing... and worse... I'm scared he'll hate josh... and i don't want him to... in case there is still a future for us...
I have no real outside impartial input that has thus far sunken in.... I don't want to be that woman in an abusive relationship cycle thing... that everyone whispers about and swears they'd never put up with.... But what if it does get better????

I don't know... like... my face... it looks really bad... but it doesn't hurt that much anymore... and i hit him too... you can really see any bruising on him... but his lip was cut inside a bit and he has a scratch by his ear...

but i'm not exactly thinking straight... I'm probably that woman 3-fold.... :S

peechykean @ 2004-12-15T17:40:00

2004-12-15T23:39:32Z

My little sister Sydney whom is totally ignorant to what has happened, told me that I wasn't the same today... later I was told by my friend I lost my "twinkle" or my glow... I told them It was just the make up...

It is kinda wierd though... I've always been told that... I think i just stand at the right spot at the right time of day so the sun is shining around me...

meh...

I just really don't like people right now.. in general... and some individually but mainly in general... i just don't understand anyone... and its reciprocated